How to Kill Voldemort
by elvirakitties
Summary: Some of the deaths are taken from the Darwin Awards, they really happened to people, some are from history, some are just my weird imagination.


Chapter 1

Harry grinned as he looked at the used clothing store. He had worked a deal with Snape to allow him to get some time to actually buy things for himself, with Snape keeping the Order away from him. He had bought new clothes and other things that the Order tried to prevent him from having. Now he entered this used clothing store to escape Mrs. Weasley. He could barely walk, the store was so full.

"How much for all the clothes?" Harry asked the store clerk.

"All?" The clerk looked a bit surprised.

"Yes, all. If you want I can speak to the owner and buy the store." Yes, it was good to be rich, he hated the fame part, but he couldn't do anything about that.

"I'm the owner and I only rent. Do you want the clothes in the back too?"

"Yes, I would, ten thousand?"

The owner was a bit surprised, that was more than he had made in five years. He barely made a living doing this. "Deal."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

DARK LORD DECLARED DEAD.

Yes, witches and wizards, You-Know-Who was found yesterday, after some of his followers were finally able to clear out his home. You-Know-Who had had not been seen in over three weeks, according to the Ministry. Some of his more devoted followers, they were arrested yesterday, went searching for their Lord and it took them over three days to clear out the massive amount of clothing in his home.

The clothing all appeared to be used, and it seems it buried You-Know-You, and the weight of the clothing killed him.

Harry didn't bother reading the rest of the paper.

Chapter 2

Harry had listened to Snape lessons about werewolves. He listened to Hagrid lessons about all the different and weird magical creatures. He was now watching a special on the telly about how to train dogs. The man on the telly was using some treats, and of course, there were warnings. Harry grinned. Time to visit a butcher.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Snape was returning from his potion lab in Slytherin Castle when he heard barking. He wondered what was going on. He followed the barking, as he did, other Death Eaters followed. They heard screaming, not usual in the Dark Lord's home, however, it was coming from the Dark Lord's private part of the Castle.

As they pulled their wands out, a figure, bloody and smelling like rancid hamburger ran past them with three Hellhounds, four Lions, five Panthers, two Bray Road Beast, two Cerberus and a Griffin. No one moved for a few minutes. "I think my wife is expecting me home." Lucius apparated out.

"I have an appointment with-" Nameless Death Eater followed Lucius' example.

Snape exchanged a look with the remaining three Death Eaters. "Poker?"

"Sure."

Chapter 3

Harry was flipping through Dudley's Ancient Chinese History book. He was bored out of his mind, his relatives were away on another holiday. He was looking through the index, poison. Oh, this could be interesting. He flipped through the book, found the page and started reading. He laughed as he read...

210 BC: Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China, whose artifacts and treasures include the Terracotta Army, died after ingesting several pills of mercury in the belief that it would grant him eternal life.

He stopped laughing as he reread the last part. Eternal life. Well, it was time to have a book delivered to Voldemort with a slight change to the history of Qin Shi Huang.

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"I don't know Albus, all I can say is the Dark Lord is dead, and he died by mercury poisoning. The man willingly took over 200 grams mercury."

"Willingly?" Dumbledore was stumped, of all the things to kill Voldemort, he certainly wasn't expecting that.

Chapter 4

Severus sat in the Order meeting waiting for Dumbledore. He was still trying to figure out exactly what happened. He saw the Potter brat give him a slight smirk as his two cohorts were bickering among themselves, as was most of the Order.

He turned his thoughts to the Brat. He had noticed the distancing of the Brat from the Order. Dumbledore and his two best friends for a while now. At Order meetings, the boy rarely spoke and refused to do anything Dumbledore demanded of him unless it was concerning training.

Now, he was wondering what was going on. The boy had a look in his eye as if he knew something about what he had witnessed. He didn't get too far before they heard the arrival of Dumbledore. That man didn't know how to be subtle. He listened to the usual greetings, and Molly's annoying voice as she got Dumbledore tea.

"Now, Severus, you called this meeting for a reason."

"Yes, I am not sure how this happened but the Dark Lord is dead." Severus closed his eyes as the noise level rose, as he opened them, he looked at the Brat, the Brat wasn't surprised, and actually winked at him.

"How?" Dumbledore finally got them calmed down.

"He was in a foul mood when we arrived, cursing almost everyone as they arrived. He demanded to know if anyone had been in his house. Every time he went to use his wand, his breathing got worse, he couldn't speak at one point; he even dropped his wand, as he tried to cast a curse. Finally, after several minutes of quiet, we heard a thud. He fell out of his throne and was dead." Severus rolled up his sleeve and showed his bare left arm.

"That sounds like an allergic reaction." The Know-It-All responded. "Did he have any allergies?"

"Yes, Miss Granger, I went up to the Dark Lord and got his personal information after I was cursed." Severus couldn't keep his loathing of the girl out of his voice. He, however, noticed that the Brat was covering his mouth with his hand.

"He's dead, who cares how." Thing One Weasley added.

"Yes, and now we can get married, Harry." Thing Two Weaslette quietly stated to the Brat.

The Brat started laughing. "Not happening. I am gay as I have been telling you." The Brat got up and left the room, at the door he turned "now that he is dead, I expect all of you to leave me alone. You have until 8 tonight to get out of my house. Before you say anything Headmaster, remember I am over 18 and done with Hogwarts."

Severus got up and left the room as the Order was in shock. He followed the Brat to his room, the door was opened. "Come in." As soon as he was in the room, the Brat had the door closed and started laughing again. "So it worked."

"What worked?" Severus was wondering what the boy did.

"It turns out that Voldie is allergic to mushrooms. I had Dobby soak Voldie wand overnight in mushroom juice, every night for a week. Figure Dobby, not love, could be the power I know not or using mushrooms. I can show you the variety of memories from each time he used the wand if you show me what happened tonight."

"Deal."

Chapter 5

All the Death Eaters were summoned to Riddle Manor. The place was a ruin, at one time it had been taken care of. The Death Eater all made their way towards the Manor. No one knew why they were being summoned, and all were a bit confused as to why the pain had stopped.

"Any idea?" Lucius quietly asked Severus as they made their way through the weed infested graveyard.

"None."

They watched lesser Death Eater open the front doors and suddenly they were all struggling to move as this river of sticky, brown, syrup erupted from the Manor. Severus finally managed to get his wand and extract himself from the brown mess.

Severus could hear a lot of swearing as everyone extracted themselves out of the flood. "Molasses?" Rookwood asked.

"I believe so." Severus touched the stuff still clinging to his robes.

Lucius, Rookwood, and Severus trudged their way forward, finding a few of the more crueler Death Eaters dead in the Molasses Flood. They made it inside the Manor, and everything was covered in it. They found Nagini, dead, Pettigrew dead, this was making them weary but also happy. Severus touched his left sleeve. Lucius and Rookwood were doing the same.

Slowly as it was sticky the three of them rolled up their sleeves. None of them spoke, their marks were gone. Spurred on by this new discovery they went to confirm what they hoped was true. They found the study door of the broken and hanging from the hinges. They peeked into the room and found Voldemort.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Everything was sticking to Severus as he walked towards Hogwarts. He wanted a shower. "Hmm, so it worked."

Severus looked around but saw no one. "Potter!" It was after curfew.

"Yeah, and it would appear I used the power he knows not and won." Potter started laughing. "Who knew the Darwin List would be the power I know not."

Severus was confused and was about to give the boy detention when he realized what Potter meant. "You, the molasses, Voldemort dead?"

"Got it in one."

"How?"

"I was reading this thing on the internet. Dudley has a computer. I found this site called the Darwin Awards. It gives awards to people who die doing stupid things. In January of 1919, a huge storage tank of molasses exploded without warning and caused a wave of molasses and debris to travel down some street at 35 miles per hour. Twenty-one people were killed, and 150 people were injured. The tank was five stories high and contained 2.3 million gallons of molasses. This event became known as the Boston Molasses Flood. I knew I didn't need that much molasses but figured Dobby and the house elves might know how much was able to fit into Riddle Manor, and asked them to fill it."

"Mr. Potter, 300 points to Gryffindor for pure genius." Severus couldn't help it. He started to laugh. "If you ever tell anyone I will kill you." As he finished laughing.

"Don't worry, I don't think anyone would believe me if I did." Potter grinned.

Chapter 6

Harry was flipping through his cousin's history book. Not that said cousin would notice. Harry doubted Dudley even opened the book. He was glancing at the headlines in the chapters, hoping to find something to kill the boredom of being locked in his room. He had already read and reread all his own books. He closed the book after seeing a picture of where some historian believed Camelot was which of course led him to think about Hogwarts.

As he thought about Hogwarts, Voldemort popped into his mind. He touched his arm where Pettigrew had drawn his blood. He was still a bit miffed about the whole tournament thing. He smirked as he got an idea.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"I'm telling you, Albus, I am not sure how it happened." Severus was now seated, but you could smell burnt clothing and hair.

"He is correct, Albus. None of us knew where they came from." Lucius was applying burn cream on his hands, face, and well most of his body.

"I see. All four of them?" Dumbledore was a bit surprised.

"Yes, all four. They came crashing down on Riddle Manor, some were breathing fire." Severus indicated his own state of being.

"Four dragons? I wonder where they came from?" Dumbledore looked out the window.

"Well, I can tell you they were the ones from the tournament." Lucius snarled. "The one that Potter went against was downright vicious. It took the Dark Lord's head right off after it burned him to a crisp."

"I am never going to get that smell out of mind." Severus had been horrified.

"Most of the Death Eaters ran screaming away as soon as they saw them. The Rat got eaten." Lucius personally thought Pettigrew got what he deserved.

"Our marks are gone." Severus pulled back his arm and showed Albus. "He is gone for good."

"I don't understand, how did it happen?" Dumbledore was a bit confused.

"Potter." Lucius replied. "He is the only one besides the Dark Lord who can speak Parseltongue."

Severus quietly agreed with the theory, however, Dumbledore didn't. "He has been at his relatives."

Severus and Lucius exchanged a look. They knew how, Dobby was devoted to Harry Potter, and they would bet their last knut that Potter got the house elf to take them to the Dragon Reserve.

Chapter 7

Harry was sitting in the muggle library, reading, ok he was really hiding from his cousin and his gang. He pulled down some books on health. One of the books had a very interesting section. He began his research.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"Poppy, are you sure?" Albus and the Order were looking at a very deceased Voldemort.

"Yes, I checked three times. He died from an allergy to his own blood."

Snape looked up at that. Voldemort died from an allergy to his own blood. He glanced to Harry Potter who was currently sleeping in the far corner. They had been back at school for almost two months. Last night was Samhain, and Harry Potter had gotten sick. Poppy said he had an allergic reaction to something. "Potter!"

"I'm sorry, Severus, but what does Harry have to do with it?" Dumbledore looked over to the sleeping boy.

"A lot. Don't you think it's strange that suddenly Potter has an allergic reaction? One that he had never had before, and since the Dark Lord and Potter share the same blood, wouldn't the Dark Lord also develop the same reaction, especially since last night was Samhain, and the Dark Lord attacked Potter in his mind again?"

Poppy pulled out her wand and began to run some scans. Her face paled. "Albus, Severus is correct. Mr. Potter is fine, but it's the same allergy."

Snape started laughing. "The power he knows not."

Chapter 8

It was here. The final battle. No one was moving, all waiting to see what Harry and Voldemort would do. Voldemort was standing in the middle of the courtyard. "Harry Potter, still afraid to face me?"

"Afraid? I beat you the last four or is it five times now. Is your memory going in your old age?"

Voldemort let out a growl of rage. "I am going to rip you apart. I am going to make your death be recorded as the longest death in history. I am going to keep you alive for decades, torturing you, I am-"

"Yadda, yadda, we get the less than subtle graphic details." Harry pulled out his wand.

"You won't win, you can't beat me, I'm the-"

"Biggest narcissist? Yes, that is true you are." Voldemort raised his wand. "Accio Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort, brain." Voldemort collapsed as his brain left his skull. Harry dropped it on the ground. "Incendio."

Chapter 9

Harry was sitting with at the Gryffindor table but not really paying attention to anything. He was, however, waiting. He was finished with Hogwarts but Voldemort was still alive. He hoped this plan worked.

He didn't get to think about the plan for long as the doors to the Great Hall were opened. A troop of Aurors marched in, led by Madam Bones. "Albus Dumbledore, you are under arrest for the murder of Tom Marvolo Riddle."

Chaos erupted. Dumbledore sent a firecracker into the air to get everyone's attention. "Lord Voldemort is deceased? Are you sure?"

"Very, you were seen leaving the scene. We found your lemon drops there. You killed him by using a compulsion charm and he kept stuffing them into his mouth until he choked and died." She waved her hand and the Aurors made their way up to the head table and arrested Dumbledore.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Harry was sitting in Severus' quarters when Draco and Severus entered. "I won."

"I can't believe you got away with it." Draco pulled out his knut.

"How? I know I didn't brew any poly-juice potion, and I'm not missing any ingredients."

"I went there as Lucius, when Voldie turned his back, hit him with the compulsion, and glamoured myself as I left, making sure I was seen."

Severus frowned. "Really?"

"Yes, Nagini let me in. She hated him, she wanted her freedom. She wanted to wrap him up in her coils."

"So, where do I have to take you this year for our holiday?"

"Well, I was thinking you could take me to Brazil. I heard carnival is fun. Lots of ingredients for you. No marriage waiting laws."

"So don't want that visual. I'm going to go and snag Blaise."

"Well, I did promise you that I would marry you once we got rid of them both-" Severus didn't get to finish as Harry was kissing him.

Chapter 10

Severus grabbed the decanter of Scotch that was sitting on the bar in Lucius' study. He filled the glass, knocked it back, refilled and repeated it three more times.

"Severus?"

"He's dead...Oh, my Merlin, he's dead."

"Yes, I know, our marks are gone. Surely you're upset that he is gone?"

"What? No, of course not, don't be an idiot." Severus poured himself another drink. "I was there. Lucius, it was horrible."

"What happened?"

"Giant turkeys, I mean huge turkeys. They took one look at him and-" Severus took another drink "-they chased him to the huge pigs, they ate him and Nagini. It was like they thought he was their main meal."

"Turkeys and pigs?"

"Yes, and the worse was Dumbledore showed up. He had a letter that said happy Thanksgiving, and to show up at the Dark Lord's castle."

"Potter did it." Draco cursed under his breathe. "Now I owe him a trip to America."

"I think you need to explain that." Lucius was thankful the Dark Lord was gone but he wanted more information.

"I made a bet with Potter that he couldn't kill the Dark Lord with something that we had here and in America but it had to be truly an American theme. It's the fourth Thursday in November, which is Thanksgiving Day in America, they stuff turkeys and they have hams."

Severus started laughing. "The power he knows not."

Chapter 11

Severus frowned, what was Potter up to? The boy wasn't getting school supplies, as he went last week with the group of Order members to guard the brat. He followed Potter into Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions.

"Hello, Harry. Here for your order?" Madam Malkin was standing behind her counter.

"Yes, and any other cloaks you have made, too."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, just shrink the packages for me. It's a lot to carry."

"That it is my boy, that is it. Same payment method?"

"Yes, Ma'am, and remember no telling anyone."

"Mum's the word, kiddo. I'll have all the cloaks we made yesterday and today wrapped up in no time."

"Thank you, Madam Malkin."

Severus wondered what in Merlin's name was the brat doing now? He stayed hidden as he watched 15 shrunken packages get put into an endless pouch. Well, at least the brat had the brains to bring an endless pouch.

Severus followed brat to Twilfitt and Tatting. He raised an eyebrow as he heard the brat order more cloaks and was picking up an existing order. Oh, he couldn't wait to get the brat expelled when he used them for a prank. He began to think of all the different cutting remarks he could say, how to phrase them, what to use.

Severus got so caught up in his daydreaming he almost missed the brat leaving the store, and he headed for Wiseacre's Wizarding Equipment. This time it was cloaks they used for heavy weather and sporting events, even the Quidditch cloaks. What? Why did the boy need so many cloaks?

Severus groaned as Harry entered Gladrags Wizardwear. The same routine, Severus was clearly mystified. What prank would require over 100 shrunken packages of cloaks, even if each package only held 200 cloaks, it was a lot of cloaks?

Severus followed the boy into Dervish & Banges. He couldn't hear what they were talking about, but it looked like Mr. Banges was explaining some weird machine. The machine sent sparkles into the air made clapping sounds and threw confetti into the air the whole time.

Severus watched the boy eat lunch alone in the Leaky Cauldron. That puzzled him. He thought Potter loved his fame. He was a bit confused. Potter finally left and he heard him call out the Barrow.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Severus hated summer. He didn't have any excuses to get away from Slytherin Castle. He was headed up to the Dark Lord's throne room when he heard clapping. He wondered what was going on. He saw Lucius entering the hall to the throne room, as he entered it. "You hear that?"

"Yes, our Lord got a new toy as a present from a secret admirer."

"He did?"

"Yes, I was sent out to see if I could trace it."

"Did you?"

"No, it arrived by house-elf but no one saw which elf." Lucius was a bit surprised. "The thing shot sparklers."

Severus knew that sounded familiar but why? They continued to the throne room. They entered the room and found a massive mound of cloaks. They could see the feet of the Dark Lord sticking out from under the mound with a lot of blood. They stared at each other, neither making a move to help. Once they waited an hour, the feet never moving, they cleared the cloaks, and found a dead Dark Lord, with Nagini. Nagini, in her frightened state, bit the Dark Lord a few different times, while they were being crushed by the weight of the cloaks. "I owe Potter, again."

"What?"

Severus explained what he had seen. "I thought he was going to do a prank. I wasn't expecting cloaks to be the power he knows not."

Lucius smirked. "We all owe Potter, again."

Severus groaned. "I better go tell the Lemon Drop Loving Fool."

"I'll make the anonymous call to the Aurors."

Notes:

In 620 BC, Draco, an Athenian law-maker, was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks showered upon him by appreciative citizens at a theatre on Aegina.

Chapter 12

"Dudley, you're fine as you are." Petunia placed a huge piece of cake in front of Dudley. "Besides, drinking all that carrot juice isn't good for you."

"It's not. I had someone look up carrot juice on the internet." Vernon muttered from behind his paper.

"I did too. Did you know that in 1974, Basil Brown, a 48-year-old health food advocate from Croydon, drank himself to death with carrot juice? He drank 10 gallons of carrot juice in a span of 10 days, which gave him 10,000 times the recommended amount of vitamin A and ultimately led to his death from severe liver damage." Petunia held up the printout of what she found on the internet.

"Mum, I'm not going to drink that much." Dudley rolled his eyes.

"Aunt Petunia, may I see that?" Harry wasn't happy to be with his relatives but at least he was being taken care of this year, and Dudley seemed to realize what he had done in the past wasn't good behavior.

Petunia just threw the paper down by Harry. "You need to be careful, sweetie, mummy would be so lost without her Dudkins."

Harry almost got sick as he watched his aunt pinch Dudley's fat cheeks. He read the print out again and wondered how he missed this one. He knew who would love carrot juice.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Madam Bones, Rookwood, Lucius, and Fudge all sighed. "Yes, Albus, we are sure. He died from liver failure." Rookwood head out the results for Dumbledore to take.

Lucius pulled back his left sleeve and exposed his bare arm, as Severus arrived with his own results that verified what Rookwood had said. "Albus, I told you he had been doing a carrot juice cleanse. Whatever a cleanse is. He did nothing but drink carrot juice for a week. He believed that if a muggle could achieve eternal glory in ten days, he could do it in a week."

Severus still wasn't sure how Potter got the Dark Lord to believe it. He knew Dumbledore didn't know Potter was behind it, but since Harry and Dobby needed someone to back up their "fake" health claim, they went to him. Harry had mentioned the cleanse idea, but Severus changed the wording they original had to eternal glory instead of increased health and longevity benefits.

Lucius was able to back up Severus when they presented the idea. Lucius and Severus thought it would take longer than 10 days since magic does help heal. Harry said with Voldemort's ego, it would be less than a week. Damn Potter was right.


End file.
